Psyche & Soul 49: Midlife V - DE-ILLUSIONING

 Psyche & Soul 49

Midlife – V

DE-ILLUSIONING 

JOSE PARAPPULLY SDB, PhD

Podcast link:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-49-Psyche--Soul--105-e124ghn

  

Hello, this is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha Centre for Psychospiritual Wellbeing at Jeolikote, Uttarakhand, with another edition of Psyche & Soul.

 

In this weekend’s edition I shall focus on an important midlife dynamic, namely, De-Illusioning.

It is quite likely that assessment of life, particularly of our dreams, can lead to de-illusioning – a shattering of our unrealistic and idealistic notion of life, our illusions. As we come to midlife we recognise that long held assumptions about self, others and the world are not really true. We recognise that many things that were taught to us as truth were actually lies.

At midlife we recognize that life does not move the way we would want it to, that there are things over which we do not have control, that people are not who we thought they would be, that we ourselves are not who we had thought we are.

We realise that we are not able to do what we want to, change what we would like to change. We recognise our limitations.

 As psychologist C. S. Pearson observes, “We are called to give up the illusion that we can force life to fit our scripts, that we can shape other people to match our expectations, or that we can make ourselves fit our own image of who we want to be” (The Hero Within, p. 118).

In the first half of life we are driven to pursue idealised dreams, the impossibly high goals and standards we set for ourselves, often as compensation for the powerlessness we experienced in childhood. We are lured by an immature mind to believe in fantasies of limitlessness, that we can achieve anything if only we try hard enough. This is a lie that is told to us often, and by many people around us. By midlife we may have tried very hard indeed, and we only experienced failure, may be again and again.

We realize that there is ugliness in the world. Our misconceptions about goodness of creation and goodness of people lead to rude shocks. We realize that evil can triumph over goodness no matter whatever our belief in a benign God and God’s control over everything.

As Annie Dillard, famous for her account of the lessons life had taught her when she spent time in seclusion in a wood by the side of a stream, wrote: “That something is everywhere and always amiss is part of the very stuff of creation.” (Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, p. 184). Creation is indeed beautiful. However there are many ugly things in it we wish weren’t there. Unpleasant and tragic things happen. Often we can only be mute spectators - unable to do anything to make a difference. The relentless march of the coronavirus throwing our lives and our plans haywire is a telling example of this.

The keen observation of the lifelong explorer of the mythical landscape, Joseph Campbell, that we can spend decades climbing the ladder, only to realise later that the ladder was placed on the wrong wall expresses another aspect of de-illusioning. That is, we can with passion and doggedness pursue a goal which we eventually realize is unreachable or not worth pursuing. The wrong wall can be the dreams of our parents, and uncritically accepted social expectations, or a personal ambition or dream which at one time appeared glorious but now appears meaningless not worth pursuing.

The inevitable disappointments, failures and betrayals of hope, and shattered dreams eventually chip away the larger-than-life self-image built on the ambitions of youth and fantasies of unlimited success. By midlife we are forced to come down to earth from the clouds, adopt a more realistic view of self with all its fragility and limitations, and of the world with its brokenness and ugliness. We are forced to modify beliefs in the inherent goodness of humanity through a recognition and acceptance of the fact that goodness is often accompanied and even overcome by hate and destructive forces. Our trusted self-definitions, and long held assumptions about life collapse in the face of harsh realities of life. We are forced by our experience to de-illusion.

As psychologist James Hollis observes, “…the person in the second half of life is obliged to come to a more sober wisdom based on a humble sense of personal limitations and the inscrutability of the world” (Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life, p. 85)

 An Example

An instructive example of de-illusioning is found in the Oscar award winning song “I dreamed a dream” from the musical Les Miserables. In the story there is a young woman, Fantine, who dreamed of a glorious life together with the young man with whom she had fallen in love. But things turned out very differently, as she laments at her death bed, “I dreamed a dream in days gone by, when hopes were high and life worth living. I dreamed that love would never die…. He slept one summer by my side, he filled my days with endless wonder. … But when autumn came he was gone.” The fruit of that summer of love and togetherness was a baby girl, Corsette, whom she had now to bring up as a single-mother.

Fantine takes up a job in a garment factory to earn her living. However, the foreman there was more interested in her body than in her work. When Fantine refused to oblige his lascivious desires, she was thrown out. She was literally on the street, working as a prostitute to feed herself and her little girl. Her miserable life ultimately took her young life. She fell sick. On her death bed she sang, “There are dreams that cannot be, and there are storms we cannot weather…I dreamed that my life would be so different from this hell I am living, so different from what it seems. … Now life has killed the dream… I dreamed.” Life can turn out very different from what we thought it would be. Recognition and acknowledgment of this reality is de-illusioning.

 Disillusioning can come in many guises. Each of us can recall our own version.

 Consequences

 The consequence of de-illusioning, on one hand, can be very negative. It can lead to resentment, anger bitterness and a loss of passion and enthusiasm. However it can be also very liberating. We can be liberated from the tyranny of lofty ambitions and unrealistic expectations. Recognition that we do not control the world, that frailty and flaws are part of the human condition, can make us more accepting and tolerant of these in ourselves and others, and become less self-righteous and more compassionate and forgiving toward self and others. This is one of the more positive growth experiences of midlife.

Reflection Exercise

·         Has de-illusioning been part of your midlife experience? If yes, in what way?

·         What are some of your illusions that have been shattered? How did they shatter?

·         What has been the consequence for you of such shattering? — Disappointment or liberation?

·         Are there still illusions you are holding on to? Which? What do you need to do about these? 

Prayer

A telling example of de-illusioning is found in Sacred Scripture. One of the saddest phrases in all of scripture for me is found in the story of the disillusioned disciples on the road to Emmaus. “We had hoped…” the two men tell the stranger who had joined their conversation (Luke, 24, 21). They had hoped that the Galilean would be the one to set Israel free from the tyranny of Rome. But their hopes were shattered on that depressing Friday afternoon when they saw him die on the cross. The story had ended. Their hope shattered. “We had hoped…. But….!”

We could read and stay with this passage for a while, and talk to Jesus who accompanies us on our own lonely journeys and listens to and talks to us as he did with the disillusioned disciples. We might gain some surprising insights when we do this.

 

May your weekend be happy and safe. Be blessed.

Thank you for listening/reading.

Pictures: Courtesy Google Images

Jose Parappully SDB, PhD

sumedhacentre@gmail.com