Psyche & Soul - 15: GENEROSITY LEADS TO HEALTH AND HAPPINESS

 Podcast link

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-15-Psyche--Soul---WANT-TO-BE-HAPPY--BE-GENEROUS--37-ekqi9j

Hello, this is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha Centre for Psychospritual Wellbeing at Jeolikote, Uttarakhand, with another edition of Psyche & Soul.

This weekend we shall reflect on the contribution of generosity to health and happiness…

The Gospels have two marvellous stories of generosity. One is of the widow who put her entire life earnings, though so small, into the temple treasury (Lk. 21, 3). Jesus appreciates her generosity.

The other is that of the boy with five loaves and two fish. Quite a bit of food for a boy to consume. May be that was the ration for his whole family. Whatever, the boy’s generosity in giving away his fish and loaves helped to feed five thousand hungry people (Jn. 6, 9-12).

There are any number of modern day stories of generosity. One such story, an extraordinary one, is that of Mr. Kalyanasundarm from Tamil Nadu, who was given the rare title of Man of the Millennium.

What is best known about Mr. Kalyanasundaram is that he donated his entire salary from the first day of starting his job as librarian at Kumarkurupara Arts College, till the last day of his service to charitable causes. He also gave away his entire pension money to charity. To sustain his own simple life style Mr. Kalyanasundaram worked as a waiter/cleaner in a local restaurant and did other sundry jobs.

His generosity expressed itself in many other ways as well.

When the Sino-Indian war broke out in 1963, Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru made a public request on radio for people to donate to the National Defense Fund. Mr. Kalyanasundaram, then a student at Madras University, donated his one valued possession – his gold chain.

When floods ravaged South Tamil Nadu districts in 1992 Mr. Kalyanasundaram travelled to several villages and donated books, school uniforms and stationaries to 10,000 children.

He donated his entire millennial price award of 30 lakh rupees too charity.

Mr. Kalyanasundaram wants to be useful even in death. He has donated his body for scientific research after his death.

Extraordinary generosity, indeed!

REWARDS OF GENEROSITY

What did his generosity bring Mr Kalyanasundaram? Recognition, yes. The joy that comes from giving, surely. The satisfaction of so many lives being enriched, no doubt.

But there is much more. Scientific research tells us that just like gratitude that we explored in the last podcast, a generous disposition has extraordinary impact on our emotional health and wellbeing.  Such a disposition evokes in us positive emotions with consequent benefits. Generosity is a proven mental and emotional health enhancer. Jesus’ exhortation, “Give and gifts will be given to you…” (Lk.38) is true in many, many ways.

Research shows that generosity reduces stress, prevents depression, enhances our sense of purpose and leads to overall life satisfaction and wellbeing, making us healthier and happier. 

Research has also shown that helping others enhances the helper’s own happiness. Generosity trumps selfishness when it comes to success and life satisfaction in the long run.

Generosity leads us to perceive others in more positive light and enhances social connectedness and builds positive personal relationships, both of which are proved to enhance emotional wellbeing and contribute to reduced risk of mortality.

Generous actions create a “feel good” factor, which in turn, enhances self-esteem, a necessary contributor to emotional health. These actions release endorphin, dopamine and oxytocin – the feel good chemicals in our body – which brings about a “helper’s high” and helps fight stress and disease. Feeling good is a natural byproduct of doing good. Stinginess – the opposite of generosity – on the other hand, has been found to evoke a sense of shame, which negatively affects emotional wellbeing.

More importantly, just like gratitude, a generous disposition also enhances our immune system and extends our lifespan. Generosity reduces blood pressure, anxiety and depression and lowers the risk of dementia, thus contributing to wellbeing and a longer and happier life.

Thus, there are enough reasons for us to be generous.

WHAT IS GENEROSITY?

Want actually is generosity? Generosity is not just giving gifts or donating to a good cause. To be generous, as the dictionary defines it, is to be “magnanimous.” Magnanimous means having a “large soul,” from the two Latin words “magna” meaning  large and “anima” meaning soul. So, real generosity is about the largeness of our heart, from which flow the deeds of kindness and compassion.

For the great catholic theologian and philosopher Thomas Aquinas, magnanimity is the greatest of all virtues. It is the cherry that tops all charity.

LITTLE WAYS TO BE GENEROUS

We need not be, and may not afford to be, as magnanimous as the poor widow, or the boy with the fish and loaves of the Gospel, or Mr. Kalyanasundarm, giving away all that we have. We can be generous in little ways. We can contribute a bit of our time, make a small donation, give away a book we have already read, or the clothes lying unused in our cupboards, spent a few minutes with a distressed person, make someone feeling blue laugh, give free tuition to a struggling poor student, volunteer to help our neighbours or at the local parish or charity.

Countless, indeed, are the opportunities to be generous.

For reflection

We could now spend a few moments reflecting on how generosity plays out in own lives. In what ways can we be a little more generous, even magnanimous? …

What do the two Gospel scenes cited at the beginning of this podcast and the story of Mr Kalyanasundaram evoke in us? What do they inspire?…

The Jesus who appreciated the generosity of the widow and the boy is with us here and now. We could spend a few moments sharing with him what these stories evoke in us.   We could also ask him to show us how we can be more generous in the coming week.

Have a pleasant and generous weekend.

Be well. Be safe. Be blessed.

Thank you for listening/reading.

 

Jose Parappully SD, PhD

sumedhacentre@gmail.com

 

Psyche & Soul 14: LIVING GRATEFULLY

 Podcast link:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-14-Psyche--Soul---the-contribution-of-gratitude-to-health-and-happiness-35-ekg5n9

Hello, this is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha Centre for Psychospritual Wellbeing at Jeolikote, Uttarakhand, with another edition of Psyche & Soul.

This weekend we shall reflect on the contribution of gratitude to health and happiness

Emotionally healthy persons have genuine appreciation for life and its blessings. They experience spontaneous joy and deep satisfaction in living. They are sensitive to the wonderful things happening in them and around them—the daily miracles of life. While recognising the limitations that life imposes on them, and despite the troubles and tragedies they experience, they are able to see and appreciate the blessings in their life. They live gratefully.

Emotionally healthy persons are able to experience this gratitude even in the midst of tragedy. This is beautifully exampled in a research on parents whose son or daughter had been murdered and who had experienced a positive transformation in their lives through their tragic loss.  The research question was: What are the processes and resources that enabled these parents to turn the tragedy – the murder of their son or daughter -- into a gift, to turn their trauma into a positive source for growth and transformation?

 A surprising finding was that one of the resources that enabled each of the participants to grow out of their pain, and experience a positive personal transformation was thankfulness. We might wonder what is there to be thankful for when someone has murdered one’s son or daughter. Yet each one of the participants had so many things for which they were grateful.

Among these participants the one who could have turned out to be most bitter and resentful was Julia (name changed). Yet, she was according to the researcher, the most grateful of all the participants. Julia’s only children - twin daughters -, ten years old, were murdered together one night, supposedly by her estranged husband. Despite this awful tragedy Julia found much in her life for which was thankful. That thankful attitude had enabled her to overcome her trauma and grow through her pain and loss. This is how she expressed her gratitude:

“I am so fortunate . . . it just amazes me, you know. . . .  I am so fortunate. . . . I could not have had them – (my girls). What they brought into my life is so wonderful and precious, that I really am blessed…. And I am lucky to have those memories now. They are still in my life. Those bullets didn’t take those away. . . . And I have tons of gifts in my life. You know, in the balance of my life, yeah, there is a lot of tragedy, but look at the happiness I’ve got, look at the neat things there are in my life.”

Julia finds so much to be grateful for in life, despite the tragedy that struck her.

 What is Gratitude?

Gratitude is much more than saying “thank you” to someone who has given us a gift or helped us in some way, or to God for a blessing received. Gratitude, as defined in psychology, is —“the capacity to feel the emotion of thankfulness on a regular and consistent basis, across situations and over time.” In other words, gratitude is a disposition that accompanies us through good times and bad; when things go well and things go wrong, through success and failure.

 The Power of Gratitude

Psychological and medical research has found that gratitude is a virtue that has enormous consequences for physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. For example, it has been found that grateful persons fall less often sick, and even when they fall sick, they recover much faster than ungrateful persons. And more important, grateful persons live significantly longer lives than the ungrateful persons.   The major reason for the health benefits of gratitude, research tells us, is that gratitude is the disposition that most creates positive emotions in us. These positive emotions, in turn, strengthen our immune system and help us to ward of disease. They increase our resilience.

 It is good for us to keep in mind these physical health benefits of gratitude during these Corona times.

The spiritual power of gratitude can be gaged from the saying attributed to the great fourteenth century Dominican mystic Meister Eckhart who said: “If the only prayer you say in your entire life is ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.”

Awe and Wonder

There are so many wonderful things, daily miracles happening around us, happenings that need to awaken in us what Albert Einstein described as a “sense of awe and wonder.” But too often we consider these as too mundane. Einstein wrote: “There are only two ways to live your life: as though nothing is a miracle, or as though everything is a miracle.”

Even during these days of vovid-19 with its hassles and restrictions, there are wonderful things happening around us. Do we notice them? Do we express thanks for them?

What are the daily miracle that you see around you and which evoke awe and wonder in you?...

You could complete the following open ended statement in different ways: “I am thankful today for….” Try making a list. Then spend a few minutes expressing gratitude to God.

One helpful means to cultivate gratitude is the daily practice of the Examen of Consciousness. Take a few minutes at the end of the day to sit quietly and allow memories of the good things – the little miracles - that have happened during the day to come into awareness and let your heart fill with thankfulness. When you do this Examen regularly you will gradually become more and more sensitive to these daily miracles and live more gratefully. Keeping a daily Gratitude Journal in which you list the gifts and blessings of the day and describe your feelings about them is another helpful practice for cultivating gratitude.

Jesus sets us wonderful example of gratitude. In his prayer he often expresses gratitude to his Father - for listening to his prayer, for revealing his message to little ones. He expresses awe and wonder – at his Father’s care for the birds of the air and the lilies of the field…. What is it you can learn from him about gratitude? …  You could spend few moments with him asking him to show you more of the “daily miracles” in your life and allow gratitude to take hold of you and fill your heart with a sense of awe and wonder…. Mary of Nazareth expresses her gratitude in her beautiful Magnificat. May be like her you too could sing your own Magnificat, expressing thanks for the great things God has done for you and continues to do.

Have a pleasant weekend in which you can take time to notice more of the daily miracles and have opportunity to stand in awe and wonder.

Be well. Be blessed.

Thank you for listening/reading

Pictures: courtesy Google Images

Jose Parappully PhD

sumedhacentre@gmail.com

Psyche & Soul 13: EMOTIONS, HEALTH AND HAPPINESS

Podcast link:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-13-Psyche--Soul---our-emotions-and-their-role-in-health-and-happiness-33-ek594t

Hello, this is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha Centre, for Psychospiritual Wellbeing at Jeolikote, with another edition of Psyche & Soul.

This weekend we shall reflect on our emotions and their role in health and happiness.

“My father was a very angry man.” said Mr. Antony in his first therapy session. “He was always angry. His mere look would frighten us children. Looks like anger was the only emotion he felt. I never saw him smile. And I am like him. I seem to know only anger. I get into lots of trouble because of that. On the other hand I never saw my mother angry. But she cried a lot. She was a very sad woman. Any one could see that on her face.”

Like Anthony’s father and mother, some of us experience and express only one or two emotions. The range of our emotional expression is very limited. An emotionally healthy person, on the other hand, experiences a wide range of emotions, not only anger and sadness, but also joy, grief, shame, exuberance, fear, gratitude, regret and so on, and feels free to express them.

An essential aspect of what makes us human is our capacity to feel. Healthy persons are in touch with a wide spectrum of emotions, and are able to express these emotions spontaneously and appropriately.

Healthy persons are emotionally expressive, but also have emotional self-control. They know when to express an emotion and to what to degree, and when not to. They can be upset by an unwanted criticism, but they do not spend the whole day moody and ill-tempered because of it. They can be joyful and even boisterous, but also know when to be quiet and reflective.

Unhealthy persons, on the contrary, are overly restricted in their range of emotional expressions. They are comfortable only with a few emotions. For some persons, their anger dominates. For others, it can be grief, sadness or resentment. Moreover, emotionally unhealthy persons tend to express emotions in inappropriate ways.

 

There is an interesting gender dynamic to be noted here. Men are more prone to express anger than sadness. A man feels ashamed to cry, but not to shout! A woman, on the contrary, may weep when she is overcome by anger. Women are frequently socialised to believe that it is all right for them to cry, but not to show anger. Thus, a nun who withdraws to her room or a wife to her bathroom to cry her heart out after a severe scolding by her superior or husband may be experiencing and expressing anger, not sadness.  

Emotional Expression and Health

Emotional expression has positive impact not only on our emotional health, but also on our physical wellbeing. Psychologist Alexander Lowen observes: “A graceful manner, the sparkle in one’s eyes, the tone of voice, an overall aliveness and overall vibrancy expresses who we are more than words or actions.” But we will not experience any of these, Lowen observes, if our ability to experience and express a wide range of emotions is compromised or stifled. This will reduce vitality of the body. Feeling is the life of the body, and unless we let ourselves feel, our body is deadened. Moreover, when feelings are not expressed, they get embedded in the tissues and muscles of the body and give rise to muscular tension and psychosomatic illness. For example, lower back problems often are the result of muscular tensions arising from holding in feelings.

It is important, hence, to express our feelings rather than hold them in. However, we also need to have some emotional self-control. We need to know when, where, and how to express emotions, and also when not express them. Very often we express inappropriate emotions and inappropriately. For example, if I laugh at my mother’s funeral, that would be and seen by others as very inappropriate. We all have had experiences where we find someone expressing emotions inappropriately. We feel embarrassed for the person, but he or she is quite unaware of the inappropriateness or incongruence.

The purpose of emotional control is not to inhibit or limit feelings, but to make their expressions effective and appropriate.

In the gospel of Thomas Jesus says “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”

• How do we feel about expressing our emotions? Which emotions do we express most often and which are the ones we suppress? What do we need to do to bring more balance and appropriateness to your emotional expressions?

We could stay with these questions and pay attention to the answers that come to us and decide on what we need to do make our emotional expression more healthy….

Jesus of Nazareth was an emotionally healthy person. He was very human. In the Gospels we find him expressing a number of emotions. He expressed anger when he saw how the Temple in Jerusalem was being turned into a marketplace. He wept at the tomb of Lazarus. He expressed sadness at the doom that was to befall Jerusalem. He experienced fear and anxiety in Gethsemane. There are numerous occasions when his heart was moved and he expressed compassion for those suffering…..

 

We could spend a few minutes in the company of this emotional Jesus, sharing with him our own feelings about the way we express our feelings and how we feel about it and listen to what he has to tell us.

Have a pleasant weekend. May your emotional expressions enhance your health and happiness.

Be well. Be safe. Be blessed.

Thank you for listening.

Jose Parappully SDB, PhD

 

Psyche & Soul 12 : Balancing Autonomy and Dependence

 BIS Podcast link:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-12-Psyche--Soul---Balancing-Autonomy-and-Dependence-31-ejqolr

Hello, this is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha Centre for psychospiritual Wellbeing at Jeolikote, Uttarakhand with another edition of Psyche and Soul.

This weekend we shall look at one requisite for emotional wellbeing and success in life:  Balancing Autonomy and Dependence.

 Let me share two stories:

Anil is manager of a small manufacturing firm. There are about 30 employees who report directly to him and take orders from him. Most of them dislike him and many would prefer to work elsewhere if they had an option. The firm is doing pretty badly businesswise. Profits are down since the time Anil took over. One major reason is that Anil is a very “bossy” boss. He believes he knows what is best for the firm and makes all the decisions on his own and expects workers to follow strictly the strategy that he chalks out.

Sister Sushila is the newly appointed principal of a school run by a religious community. Soon after she reached her community, Sushila told Sr. Rose, the community leader. “Sister, I really need you to help me. I like you to tell me what I should do. You have so much experience.” Rose, an exceptionally non-controlling leader who wanted her members to take as much initiative as possible, told her. “It is good to ask my opinion if you really need to. I shall certainly help if needed.”

Very soon, Rose began to feel overburdened with Sushila’s frequent requests for advice and help. Sushila was reluctant to take even small decisions on her own, and needed constant reassurance from Rose. When teachers would come to her for some opinion or permission, Sushila would tell them, “I shall tell you later.” She needed to consult Rose.

Anil was excessively controlling, while Sushila was excessively dependent. Neither of them showed emotional maturity. Neither of them possessed the balance of autonomy and dependence, not having too much or too little of either, which is an important characteristics of an emotionally mature person.

Autonomy

According to psychologists Richard Ryan and Edward Deci who specialise in the study of human wellbeing and happiness, one of the three basic psychological needs we all have is the need for autonomy—the other two being relatedness and competence. Autonomy refers to the freedom we need to make choices, to have a say on matters that affect us; to give direction to our own life. Autonomy is the capacity to think and act independently. Autonomy enables us to take initiatives and do things own our own and in the way we want. It gives us a sense of control over our own lives.

Dependence

Dependence is reliance on others. When we are dependent we rely on the opinions and advice of others; we take their help. This dependence is also an important part of our daily lives.

We are social beings. We need each other. We cannot always get things done on our own. We need help of others. An emotionally mature person knows one’s limits, knows what one can do and not do, and when to ask for help and when to act independently.

Excess

But sometimes we become over dependent. We want help from others even when can manage on our own, but believing that we can’t do it by ourselves. This prevents us from taking initiatives. We look for assurance from others before we set out to do anything. We have an excessive dependence on others’ opinions and decisions even though there is no basis for believing that others are superior or wiser.

On the other hand some of us are over-autonomous. We act independently even in situations where we need to and are expected to consult others and work together with others. We act as we please without consideration for others’ opinions or needs. We avoid delegating tasks and responsibilities to others. We end up with lots of things to do. However, we prefer to exhaust ourselves rather than give up control.

This kind of over-autonomy leads to individualism – an egoistic tendency to act independently with little reference to others. Individualism has a very destructive impact on any group or community. Individualism evokes anger and resentment in other members of the group, vitiates the environment, lowers morale and commitment to task and leads to diminished group productivity.

Balance Rooted in Self-Confidence

To have balance between autonomy and dependence we need self-confidence. When we are confident, we have assurance about our standards and convictions without being a slave to the opinions of others. We engage in independent thought and action; we feel we have the right to have ideas, aspirations and wishes of our own. We have the confidence that we can get things done, that we can achieve things on our own.

When we have the right balance between autonomy and dependence, we are able to collaborate with others, as well as accept help from others. We give our opinions, express our wants without embarrassment or fear of rejection. We also know when collaboration may not be helpful and prefer to do things own our own.

Emotional Maturity

Ability to think for oneself, and make choices and decisions based on one’s own internal convictions characterise an emotionally mature person. At the same time such a person is also capable of depending on and collaborating with others as necessitated by situations.

Such emotionally mature persons are able to relate well to others and also to be effective professionally.

For Reflection

We could now spend a few months reflecting on how autonomy and dependence play out in our live. What experiences related to these come into awareness. Here are three questions for us to say with.

 ·         What has been my experiences in regard to autonomy and dependence?

 ·         Do I see myself as a person who has a helpful balance of autonomy and dependence? Why, why not? Do others see me that way? Why, why not?

 ·         What is it I need to do for a better balance of autonomy and dependence?

For Prayer

The greatest gift God has given us after life is freedom. God leaves us completely free to make whatever choices and decisions we want to make. However God has our welfare at heart and wishes that we use our freedom wisely. We could spend a few minutes talking to God about the way we have been using the gift of freedom and the way we would like to use it in future.

Have a pleasant weekend. Be healthy.  Be happy. May the choices you make enhance your wellbeing and happiness. 

Thank you for listening.

Pictures: courtesy Google Images

      Jose Parappully PhD

sumedhacentre@gmail.com

Psyche & Soul 11: SELF-ACCEPTANCE

 Podcast Link:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-11-Psyche--Soul---Self-Acceptance-29-ejf4n3

SELF-ACCEPTANCE

“Acceptance of oneself is …the acid test of one’s whole outlook on life.” C.G. Jung

Hello, this is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha centre, Jeolikote, with another edition of Psyche & Soul.

This weekend we shall focus on Self-Acceptance which is a foundational requisite for emotional health and happiness.

Self-acceptance, as the great psychologist Carl Jung points out, is not only an essential requisite for emotional wellbeing, but also influences our way of being in the world. In his own words: “Acceptance of oneself is …the acid test of one’s whole outlook on life.”

However, many of us find self-acceptance a big challenge. This was the case with Anjana. Let us listen to what she says about herself.

“I don’t like myself. Actually, I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate the person I have become. I get angry so often. I shout and scream at people. I am not very successful in much of what I do and get blamed so often.” She seems angry and disgusted with herself.

It’s hard to accept oneself, and more so to love oneself, when we are confronted with so many of our frailties and weakness. Yet, if we want to be emotionally healthy persons, we need to accept the whole of ourselves without rejecting any aspect of our being: body, gender, sex, mind, limitations and weakness, strengths and talents, and our personal and family histories.

Self-acceptance is based on genuine knowledge of self, grounded in realistic appraisal of our resources and limitations. This knowledge comes also from what others are saying about us.

Manifestations of Self-Acceptance

When we accept ourselves, we have genuine appreciation for our own worth, and we do not engage in irrational self-reproach. We are happy with who we are, and do not feel the need to boast of our accomplishments or to inflate them.

 We are willing to admit faults and failures without embarrassment, rather than trying to cover up or deny. We are willing to accept corrections.

 When we accept ourselves like this others too will find it easy to accept us and relate to us, since we do not feel any compulsion to hide or defend our mistakes, or to boast of our talents or achievements

 A corollary to this self-acceptance and self-appreciation is the ability to allow others the right to be themselves. We are able to accept others as they are with their flaws and limitations. We do not impose our own views, expectations or needs on others. Neither do we feel the need to put others down or downplay their achievements.  We are not threatened by the beauty, giftedness or achievements of others; rather we are able to rejoice with them and speak appreciatively about them to others. 

 

Manifestations of Self-Rejection

Self-rejection, on the contrary, shows itself in the following unhealthy forms of behaviour: chronic self-disapproval and self-disparagement; feelings of being unworthy; excessive guilt; pretending to be who/what we are not, going out of the way to boast or impress others; feeling others are against us, view us unfairly, or don’t understand us.

When we do not feel good about ourselves, when we lack self-esteem, we may try to over-control our environment. We become overcautious about making mistakes. We feel the need to do everything right and perfect. This can lead to Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

Lack of self-acceptance often results in scrupulosity. Because of the fear of rejection by others and especially by God, we tend to become perfect by striving to avoid even the least wrong doing. Since we reject ourselves because of our short comings, we tend to believe that others and God also will reject us if we are not “perfect.” Perfectionism deafens us to the good news that a loving God unconditionally accepts and loves us just as we are, that we don’t need to earn God’s love.

Challenging Situations

Self-acceptance becomes a challenge especially for women in the context of the relentless media pressure to conform to perfect body shape and appearance offered as ideal. These images tend to confirm self-doubts about goodness of one’s own body leading to a feeling of not being “good enough” and frenetic efforts to change one’s body shape and appearance to match the ideal. When one fails in the attempt one tends to live with a sense of deficiency. It is good to remember here that attractiveness and acceptance depend on more than just physical appearance.

Some of us have deformities or blemishes that affect our self-image and our capacity to function effectively or relate well. Remedial measures such as corrective surgery here is wholesome. However, often expensive cosmetic and surgical interventions are purely to allay our feelings of inadequacy and fears of non-acceptance by others, or simply to conform to ideal images of beauty, even when we are endowed with sufficient grace and beauty.

The Power of Self-Acceptance

The power of self-acceptance is demonstrated by the wonderful accomplishments of physically challenged athletes and artists. These men and women have disabilities that profoundly affect their mobility and other capacities.  However, they are able to accept their limitations and triumph over them and go on to win laurels.

Emotionally healthy persons are able to accept themselves as they are, with their deficiencies and their limitations. This acceptance is not resignation. One accepts, but also strives to overcome the limitations wherever possible.

Introspection

• Am I able to accept myself, with my frailties and limitations, or am I like Anjana, rejecting and despising myself?
• What is my challenge in regard to self-acceptance?

                                                                        ******

In Psalm 139 we read: “For it was you who created by being, knit me together in in my mother’s womb. I thank you for the wonder of my being, for the wonders of all your creation. (13-14).

We could stay with these words of the Psalmist, paying attention to the thoughts, images and feelings these evoke in us. We could then spend a few moments talking to God about whatever is arising within us. Allow God to lead us into recognising and loving the wonder of our being.

Have a pleasant weekend, where in you can recognize your beauty and goodness, and accept and love yourself the way God accepts and loves you.  

Be well. Be safe. Be blessed.

Jose Parappully PhD

Email: sumedhacentre@gmail.com

 

Psyche & Soul - 10: WHO AM I REALLY?

Podcast link:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-10-Psyche--Soul---WHO-AM-I-REALLY-27-ej5ph9

Hello, this is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha centre, Jeolikote, with another edition of Psyche & Soul.

Last weekend we explored the role of meaningfulness in living a healthy and happy life. This weekend we shall explore an important dimension of this meaningfulness. Our self-understanding of who we are.

 “Who am I really?” This is a question all of us ask sometime in our life. Some of us find an answer, others continue to keep asking the question.

 Emotionally healthy persons have some clear and convincing answers to the question “Who am I?”

 

In Psychoanalyst Erik Erikson’s developmental schema, identity formation is the crucial task to be accomplished during adolescence. But we can struggle with issues of identity all through life.

Personality psychologist Dan McAdams presented identity as an evolving story that integrates a reconstructed past, a perceived present, and an anticipated future into a coherent and vitalising life myth. Our personal life myth “is a special kind of story that each of us naturally constructs to bring together the different parts of ourselves and our lives into a purposeful and meaningful whole.” In other words, when we achieve identity we are able to bring together all of our past experiences, current realities and future goals and aspirations to create a picture of who we are and who we want to be.

 

Erikson described three significant ways in which identity formation can fail. These are identity foreclosure, identity confusion and negative identity.

 Foreclosed Identity

Identity foreclosure is a premature (without much reflection or soul-searching) resolution of the identity issue. We can slip easily into a role expected of us by family or community. We may not in any way identify with this role or find it meaningful. But the internalisation of the expectation of others, a process which is often unconscious, pushes us into identity foreclosure. A sense of dissatisfaction and lack of fulfilment, often with no knowledge of its source, is the result.

Negative Identity

A negative identity develops when we conform to an image of us that is contrary to family or cultural ideals but which is projected on to us by the same family or community. For example, the family may not approve the way we are living or of our life choices and label us as the “black sheep” of the family. In such a situation we may strive hard to prove the family right by living up to that negative label, adopting and engaging more and more in behaviours that are socially disapproved. Or, while in school, a teacher might ridicule us describing us as “good for nothing.” We might then adopt behaviours that fit the label and really turn out to be a good for nothing. We sabotage our own welfare and happiness and hurt ourselves by going out of our way to prove our detractors right.

Negative identity can develop also from idealisation of or identification with someone devalued by family or community but whom we idealise. For example, in our childhood or youth we may have idealised an uncle or an aunt whom we loved very much and wanted to be like. It happened that this beloved uncle or aunt was also an alcoholic. As we grow up we may also identify with our uncle’s or aunt’s alcoholism and ourselves become alcoholic.

Identity Confusion

Identity confusion occurs when we are unable to make up our minds as to who we are or who we want to be. We are unable to make a commitment to any single view of ourselves. This may be because we are caught up in conflicting values or lack the confidence to make meaningful and lasting decisions. Young religious who are unable to decide if they want to make their perpetual profession or not, provide a relevant example. They keep postponing a decision.

 

Achieved Identity

A healthy and positive resolution of the task of identity formation leads to identity achievement. The pathway to identity achievement is through role experimentation. Erikson termed this period of free experimentation of various roles and identities before a final identity is achieved psycho-social moratorium. Before we make a final choice of what we want to be, we need to look carefully at and even experiment with various options by living them out for a period—in fantasy or reality. We have to do some real soul-searching about who we want to be and what we want to do, and then make definitive choices.  

According to Erikson identity achievement moves us toward becoming and functioning as well-adjusted adults, with a fine balance of love and work—forming healthy relationships and engaging in meaningful and constructive activities. We become creative and productive, and contribute to the welfare of society.

 
Life-Long Process

Although Erikson postulated that identity formation is something that happens in adolescence, recent theory and research show that individuals engage in a lifelong process of identity formation. Thus even if we have had a strong sense of achieved identity for a considerable period of our lives, we can still shift back into identity confusion, often triggered by new and unexpected experiences or developments in our lives. Such falling back is a positive thing, because we can now do further soul-searching and re-confirm our identity or choose a new one and move toward a deeper level of identity achievement. For this to happen we have to recognise our deepest desires and longings and the dynamics operating behind our conscious selves. The question we asked last weekend, What do we really want? comes into play here too.

 Introspection

So, who are you really? … How do you see yourself?... How would you describe yourself to another?

 ….

“Who am I really?” is a question that Jesus struggled with all his life, from the beginning of his public life to its end on the Cross. The devil confronted him with that question in the desert. The devil tried to put doubts into his mind: Three times the devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God…”). Jesus had his own doubts.  Who was he really?  Was he just a man like any other? Or, was he truly the Son of God? During his public ministry he wanted some assurance and asked his disciples: “Who do people say I am?.... Who do you say that I am?”). His last temptation on the Cross was related to the same issue. The bystanders taunted him: “If you are the Son of God, come down from the Cross.….”

 

 This same Jesus who struggled with identity is with us and walks with us in our struggle? What would we like to tell him? You could visualize walking with him and holding a conversation with him.

 Have a pleasant weekend. Be well. Be safe. Be blessed.

 Jose Parappully PhD

sumedhacentre@gmail.com