Psyche & Soul 12 : Balancing Autonomy and Dependence

 BIS Podcast link:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-12-Psyche--Soul---Balancing-Autonomy-and-Dependence-31-ejqolr

Hello, this is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha Centre for psychospiritual Wellbeing at Jeolikote, Uttarakhand with another edition of Psyche and Soul.

This weekend we shall look at one requisite for emotional wellbeing and success in life:  Balancing Autonomy and Dependence.

 Let me share two stories:

Anil is manager of a small manufacturing firm. There are about 30 employees who report directly to him and take orders from him. Most of them dislike him and many would prefer to work elsewhere if they had an option. The firm is doing pretty badly businesswise. Profits are down since the time Anil took over. One major reason is that Anil is a very “bossy” boss. He believes he knows what is best for the firm and makes all the decisions on his own and expects workers to follow strictly the strategy that he chalks out.

Sister Sushila is the newly appointed principal of a school run by a religious community. Soon after she reached her community, Sushila told Sr. Rose, the community leader. “Sister, I really need you to help me. I like you to tell me what I should do. You have so much experience.” Rose, an exceptionally non-controlling leader who wanted her members to take as much initiative as possible, told her. “It is good to ask my opinion if you really need to. I shall certainly help if needed.”

Very soon, Rose began to feel overburdened with Sushila’s frequent requests for advice and help. Sushila was reluctant to take even small decisions on her own, and needed constant reassurance from Rose. When teachers would come to her for some opinion or permission, Sushila would tell them, “I shall tell you later.” She needed to consult Rose.

Anil was excessively controlling, while Sushila was excessively dependent. Neither of them showed emotional maturity. Neither of them possessed the balance of autonomy and dependence, not having too much or too little of either, which is an important characteristics of an emotionally mature person.

Autonomy

According to psychologists Richard Ryan and Edward Deci who specialise in the study of human wellbeing and happiness, one of the three basic psychological needs we all have is the need for autonomy—the other two being relatedness and competence. Autonomy refers to the freedom we need to make choices, to have a say on matters that affect us; to give direction to our own life. Autonomy is the capacity to think and act independently. Autonomy enables us to take initiatives and do things own our own and in the way we want. It gives us a sense of control over our own lives.

Dependence

Dependence is reliance on others. When we are dependent we rely on the opinions and advice of others; we take their help. This dependence is also an important part of our daily lives.

We are social beings. We need each other. We cannot always get things done on our own. We need help of others. An emotionally mature person knows one’s limits, knows what one can do and not do, and when to ask for help and when to act independently.

Excess

But sometimes we become over dependent. We want help from others even when can manage on our own, but believing that we can’t do it by ourselves. This prevents us from taking initiatives. We look for assurance from others before we set out to do anything. We have an excessive dependence on others’ opinions and decisions even though there is no basis for believing that others are superior or wiser.

On the other hand some of us are over-autonomous. We act independently even in situations where we need to and are expected to consult others and work together with others. We act as we please without consideration for others’ opinions or needs. We avoid delegating tasks and responsibilities to others. We end up with lots of things to do. However, we prefer to exhaust ourselves rather than give up control.

This kind of over-autonomy leads to individualism – an egoistic tendency to act independently with little reference to others. Individualism has a very destructive impact on any group or community. Individualism evokes anger and resentment in other members of the group, vitiates the environment, lowers morale and commitment to task and leads to diminished group productivity.

Balance Rooted in Self-Confidence

To have balance between autonomy and dependence we need self-confidence. When we are confident, we have assurance about our standards and convictions without being a slave to the opinions of others. We engage in independent thought and action; we feel we have the right to have ideas, aspirations and wishes of our own. We have the confidence that we can get things done, that we can achieve things on our own.

When we have the right balance between autonomy and dependence, we are able to collaborate with others, as well as accept help from others. We give our opinions, express our wants without embarrassment or fear of rejection. We also know when collaboration may not be helpful and prefer to do things own our own.

Emotional Maturity

Ability to think for oneself, and make choices and decisions based on one’s own internal convictions characterise an emotionally mature person. At the same time such a person is also capable of depending on and collaborating with others as necessitated by situations.

Such emotionally mature persons are able to relate well to others and also to be effective professionally.

For Reflection

We could now spend a few months reflecting on how autonomy and dependence play out in our live. What experiences related to these come into awareness. Here are three questions for us to say with.

 ·         What has been my experiences in regard to autonomy and dependence?

 ·         Do I see myself as a person who has a helpful balance of autonomy and dependence? Why, why not? Do others see me that way? Why, why not?

 ·         What is it I need to do for a better balance of autonomy and dependence?

For Prayer

The greatest gift God has given us after life is freedom. God leaves us completely free to make whatever choices and decisions we want to make. However God has our welfare at heart and wishes that we use our freedom wisely. We could spend a few minutes talking to God about the way we have been using the gift of freedom and the way we would like to use it in future.

Have a pleasant weekend. Be healthy.  Be happy. May the choices you make enhance your wellbeing and happiness. 

Thank you for listening.

Pictures: courtesy Google Images

      Jose Parappully PhD

sumedhacentre@gmail.com

BIS Psyche & Soul 3. Childhood Foundations of Healthy Relationships 2: Secure Attachments

The podcast of this post is available at:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-3-Psyche--soul---Foundation-of-Healthy-Relationships-Trust-12-egs0te

This is Jose Parappully, Salesian priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha Centre, Jeolikote, with another edition of “Psyche & Soul”

This weekend we shall explore another important foundation of healthy relationships– namely, Secure Attachments in childhood.

Let me begin by telling you about Mrs Miranda.

Mrs Jessie Miranda is very popular with the teachers and the girls of the college where she is Principal. Parents of students as well as others who interact with her like the way she treats them. She is also a very competent Principal, who has been able to raise the standard of the college considerably since she took over.

Her family finds her a very loving and sensitive wife and mother. Members of her parish have very good opinion of her. She is friendly and actively engaged in parish activities. Young women in the parish often seek her advice with their problems.

When asked what was the secret of her popularity she referred to the good time she had in her own family as a child. She felt her parents really cared for her. Whenever she experienced some distress or was in some need they responded with care and sensitivity.

This kind of sensitive responsiveness on the part of her parents helped the young Jessie to develop self-esteem and self-confidence which helped her to relate to others in a friendly way. She was able to internalize the sensitive responsiveness of her parents toward her and manifest the same to others. Naturally, she grew up to be a very likable and helpful person.

Jessie’s profile fits that of a child, and later the adult, who experiences what psychologists today agree is a necessary foundation for healthy relationships– namely, secure attachment in childhood. There is a whole school of psychology built on this conviction. It is known as Attachment theory and is one of the cutting edge contemporary psychological theories.

Unlike many other theories in psychology, Attachment theory is based on thousands of hours of direct observation of parent-child interactions, both in the real world and in the laboratory. It is widely regarded as probably the best research-supported theory of emotional development yet available.

Attachment theory underlines the powerful influence parents, particularly the mother, have on the emotional development of children, especially on the development of self-trust and trust of others, so necessary for healthy interpersonal relationships.

Attachment theory presents four types of attachment styles. Secure attachment, two kinds of insecure attachments – ambivalent and avoidant, and a disorganized attachment style.

In the pattern of secure attachment, as exemplified in the case of Jessie, the child is confident that its parent (or parent figure) will be available, responsive, and helpful when it seeks protection or comfort, or encounters adverse or frightening situations. With this assurance, it feels bold to explore the world. It is such “exploration from a secure base,” as it is called, that leads to development of a sense of competence and self-confidence in the child that enables the child and later the adult to relate in healthy ways to those in its surroundings.

As children we seek some adult to whom to attach ourselves. The more sensitive and responsive this adult is to our needs, the deeper and more secure our attachment and greater the likelihood that we will develop healthy and fulfilling interpersonal relationships.

……

Here we can recall the experience of the disciples of Jesus on the sea when the sudden storm arose. They are frightened and feeling very insecure. However, the comforting words of Jesus “Why are you afraid? I am here.” gives them security. Both their inner fears and the storm outside subside.

We all require the calming presence of a sensitive and caring other in our childhood to provide us a sense of safety and security, especially in times of trouble and danger. The secure attachment we develop to this person makes us confident to reach out to others in trust and build satisfying relationships necessary for health and happiness.

You may now want to stay a while quietly with whatever this reflection on foundations of healthy relationships is evoking in you:

• How does Mrs Miranda’s story affect you? Is your experience similar to or different from hers? In what way?
• As a child, did you experience your parents as available, responsive and helpful when you needed them? What memories of such experiences or their opposite come into awareness?
• Stay a while with the feelings these memories evoke in you.

…..

The Jesus who provided assurance to the disciples during the storm at sea is present to you here and now. You could place all these childhood memories and the feelings they evoke in the hands of Jesus and spend a few moments listening and talking to him.

……..

Have a pleasant weekend where you feel secure in the closeness of your dear ones and nearness Jesus who walks with you. Bye for now.

Please send your comments, and questions to me at sumedhacentre@gmail.com 

Images: Courtesy google Images

Psyche & soul 2 - Foundations of Healthy Relationships - Trust.

The podcast of this post is available on:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-2-Psyche--soul---Foundation-of-Healthy-Relationships-Trust-10-egi181

This is Jose Parappully, Salesian Priest and clinical psychologist at Sumedha Centre, Jeolikote, with another edition of Psyche & Soul.

Last week we learned that the best help for health and happiness are loving relationships. Data from the 82-year-old Harvard Longitudinal Study had demonstrated unequivocally that warm and satisfying relationships are the most important ingredients of the good life.

However, we also know that developing healthy relationships is a challenge for most, if not all, of us.

What helps us develop healthy, loving relationships that lay the foundations for health and happiness? Psychology has some reliable answers here too.

Trust: The Master Virtue

Foundations for healthy relationships are built on the trust and security we developed through our childhood experiences, as well as the family environment in which we grew up.

Trust is a master virtue that has a profound impact on our adult relationships. Contemporary psychological theories emphasise the importance and implications of the trust that the infant, and later the child, develops in relation to the caregivers, especially the mother.

For example, in the psycho-social life span developmental theory of psychoanalyst Erik Erikson, trust developed in the first year of life is the pivot on which all of development rests.

How does one develop trust?

The first year of life is one in which the infant is showered with many sensuous and gratifying experiences. It is washed, oiled, powdered, massaged, breast-fed and carried around lovingly by the mother and other family members. It is the object of much fussing. All this attention makes the infant feel very good (like a ‘prince’ or ‘princess’) and proud of itself. It begins to feel itself as worthy of all this attention and love. As a result it develops trust in self, others and the world around and feels very secure to reach out and explore the world. When such attentive caring is missing from sensitive caregivers the infant develops mistrust in self and others and grows up insecure.

Family environment also contributes significantly to the development of trust. When the infant finds itself in a cohesive, peaceful, warm and supportive environment, it feels secure and experiences the world as safe, friendly and comforting. It is such environment that helps the child develop a benevolent, trusting attitude toward self, others and the world at large.

The essential virtue that results from trust is hope, defined as “the enduring belief in the attainability of fervent wishes.” Hope, in turn, leads to optimism and enables one to relate to others with confidence and without fear.

The confidence in self and a benevolent and hopeful attitude toward others resulting from trust it has developed enables the child as it grows up into adulthood to reach out to others in love, feeling loved and accepted. The security developed through childhood trust enables the adult to take the risks involved in reaching out to others.

On the other hand, when the childhood environment is chaotic, un-nurturing, characterised by conflict and unloving relationships and worse, violence, the child feels very unsafe and develops mistrust which in turn impairs the capacity for healthy relationships.

Children with unhappy childhoods, the Harvard Study tells us, are more likely than others to be pessimistic and self-doubting. This in turn makes them unable to receive love when it is offered and fearful in offering love to others.

They are afraid to grow close to anyone and to let anyone come close to them, for fear that they will be exploited, taken advantage of. 

Moreover, children who have failed to develop trust grow up with a suspicious and even malevolent attitude toward life. They can develop a paranoid personality. They attribute malicious motivations to even the most innocent behaviours of others. They feel everyone is against them. This too makes relationships difficult.

Lack of trust, and consequent attitudes of fear and suspicion, can wreak havoc in a marriage, as well as in religious community life. Interpersonal relationships get vitiated, resulting in stress that undermines health and happiness.

As the poet Joseph Conrad has so perceptively observed: “Woe to the man (woman) whose heart has not learned  while young to hope, to love, to put its trust in life.”

…..

Jesus has spoken about the importance of trust. In his response to the synagogue official who pleaded with him, with some desperation, to come down and cure his daughter, Jesus said: “Fear is useless; only trust is needed!” (Lk. 8, 50). When we do not trust, all kinds of fears envelop us. Trust dissipates our fears, makes us more receptive to love.

I am told the phrase “Do not be afraid!” occurs 365 times in the Bible, like a daily reminder to us all through the year to place our trust in a loving and provident God who has our wellbeing--our health and happiness -- at heart.

We shall conclude with an experiential exercise

• Sit quietly for a while, taking a comfortable position, in the awareness of whatever has been evoked in you by what you heard.

….

•          Focus now on the first years of your life. Allow your body to re-experience that time of your life. What do you experience (body sensations, thoughts, images, emotions, sounds)? Any memories come into awareness?

•          Stay for a while with whatever experiences come in to awareness and the feelings these evoke in you.

•          ……..

•          You could now spend some time in prayer, sitting quietly before God with whatever this exercise has evoked in you. Offer this early stage of your life to God, asking for healing of any trauma (painful/distressing experiences) you may have had, and thanking God for the love and care you experienced that taught you to trust.

……

Have a blessed and trust filled weekend.

The podcast of this post is available on:

https://anchor.fm/boscom/episodes/2-2-Psyche--soul---Foundation-of-Healthy-Relationships-Trust-10-egi181

Please send your comments, and questions to me at sumedhacentre@gmail.com    

ENHANCING PSYCHOLOGICAL WELLBEING DURING SOCIAL ISOLATION RELATED TO CORONA LOCKDOWN

ENHANCING PSYCHOLOGICAL WELLBEING DURING SOCIAL ISOLATION RELATED TO CORONA LOCKDOWN

JOSE PARAPPULLY, PhD

Social isolation resulting from the Corona lockdown in itself may not lead to negative psychological consequences. However, prolonged confinement with a group people in restricted space can strain relationships which in turn can cause negative consequences. It is not social isolation per se, but the feeling of being alone, that is, feeling disconnected or alienated that in a significant way leads to negative consequences such as depression and anxiety.

There is robust evidence that loneliness significantly increases risk of premature mortality. Lack of a feeling of connectedness heightens health risks s much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day and is twice as harmful to physical and mental health as obesity (Monitor on Psychology, 5, 2017)

Adverse health consequences of loneliness, understood as the subjective sense of a lack of desire connectedness, include besides depression and anxiety, poor sleep quality, accelerated cognitive decline which increases risk of dementia, poor cardiovascular function, higher levels of blood pressure and impaired immunity.

Loneliness heightens levels of stress which we know is at the root of most of major killer diseases. It increases the activity of genes involved in causing inflammation and decreases that of genes involved in antiviral responses, which is especially relevant in this stressful time Covid- 19 and lockdown.

Relationship Strain
Relationship strain is the major contributor to loneliness. We can be lonely even when we are with a group of people, including family members, if our relationships are strained. On the other hand, we do not feel lonely even when alone if we have a subjective sense of connectedness.

Hence the challenge during the lockdown is to stay psychologically connected. It is especially important to take care that relationships do not strain, the possibility for which is quite strong when we stay confined within small spaces with a group of people.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, also known as the Grant Study, which is perhaps the longest running longitudinal study anywhere and anytime (about 80 years running) has unequivocally shown that the number one contributor to health and happiness is satisfying relationships. Strained relationships, on the other hand, take a toll. For example, a bad marriage is worse than no marriage. “The good life,” Dr. Robert Waldinger, the current director of the Harvard Study declares, “is built on good relationships.”

When people are deprived of social connections with those other than they live with, there is increased potential for relational friction with those they live with. When relationships are close-binding, with little outlets for connectedness with others, conflicts within the relationship become more of a possibility. When this happens, psychological distancing from those one lives with is the result. This is a danger that one has to avoid during the imposed social isolation.

Another reason for this potential alienation is that when we live with someone with not much to do and with little interaction with those outside the inner circle, we have ample time to notice negative features in the other we may not have earlier. Along with this, our mind will tend to go back over memory lane and pull up unpleasant situations and incidents involving the other. This can lead to bickering and recrimination that strain the relationship, increasing psychological alienation. 

Prolonged close proximity, even within an intimate relationship, is a psychological health hazard.

Besides, having nothing much to do in the absence of the usual demands that daily life makes on us, without the option of venturing out and engaging in social intercourse, can lead to boredom which in turn can fray nerves and negatively affect the relationships within.

Hence the challengers are: 1. To take special care to avoid fault finding and negativity. 2. To maintain connectedness with those outside. 3. Create pleasant environment. 4 Fight boredom. There are multiple ways to meet these challenges.

Avoid Negativity

Regarding the first: We need to make a special effort to weed out negativity and focus on the positive. Recall together the good times we have had. Leafing through the album of old photographs and commenting on them, narrating the happy times on trips taken together long time ago, as well as interesting personal anecdotes that the others may not know of are very helpful in enhancing relationships. It is important here to remember The Rule of Four. Before we ever mention anything negative about the other, we make sure we have said at least four pleasant or positive things about or to the person! Better still, if anything negative comes up, defer its communication to a later time. Blaming, accusations, fault-finding are especially hazardous during confinement.

Within the confined, and sometimes crammed, space we can become more sensitive to noise, loud conversations and other disruptive sounds. We will be more demanding in regard to use of common space, equipment and devices. There is potential for quarreling and fighting in regard to these.

Sensitivity to others’ need is important. Just as we experience tension and irritation created by the situation, others we live with will also. We need to respond with empathy than annoyance to others’ irritating words and behaviour.

Connect with Friends and Colleagues

In regard to the second: studies have shown that in times of social isolation, more than connection with one’s partner or family members, what helps ward off loneliness is connection with one’s friends and colleagues. Hence keeping in contact with our friends and acquaintances outside our immediate family circle is important. This can be done easily today through the means of communication available to us. An easy topic for conversation with friends and colleagues is discussion on how we are facing this imposed isolation and how we and our work are affected by it.

Even if we are not connecting in person with those outside, virtual connection through social media also helps. Besides, engagement with social media can keep us busy and ward off boredom. However, it is important to keep in mind that too much engagement with social media, especially when it distances us from those we live with is not a good thing. Fake news amply available on social media can cause fear and anxiety.

Create Pleasant Environment

In regard to the third: Creating a pleasant environment in the space we are confined in is especially important. We can do this first of all by avoiding negative and critical conversations. Planning and executing celebratory events brings joy and togetherness.

Busy parents who otherwise have not had enough time to spend with children are given a golden opportunity. Play with them, do fun things with them. Read stories to the very small children.

Cooperative cleaning up the house or giving a new coat of paint to the walls also help create pleasant environment. Even re-arranging the furniture can contribute to creation of a pleasant physical space.

Fight Boredom

In regard to the third: Reduced activity arising from absence from our place and the hassle of travel leaves time on our hands. Not knowing how to utilize it can lead to boredom and irritation.

The activities involved in creating a pleasant environment as described are great ways to beat boredom.

However there is something more important. Even within the closed spaces, we have to create a personal space where we can occasionally isolate ourselves and be able to do things we are interested in without interference from others.

The solitude that such personal spaces provide can also help us to devote time and energy to projects we are interested in. For example, if we are technologically oriented, we can experiment creatively. If we are inclined toward literary pursuits, this is the time to write that article that we have dreamed of, but had not found time for. We can start writing the first pages of that wonderful book have been dreaming of writing. The time at our disposal gives us opportunity also to try out creative cooking and baking.

Settling comfortably with a favourite book can be both exciting and relaxing. When we do that from our balcony or from our garden (f we have one) we are also refreshed by nature. Sitting quietly outdoors, doing nothing important, but simply taking in the nature around us, can be very refreshing and will make the time spent within less boring.

Exercise is a great boredom buster. Moreover, it energizes mind an body, reduces anxiety and increases feelings of wellbeing.  Yoga, qigong, tai-chi, and simple aerobics, besides beating boredom, help stimulate and strengthen the immune system. Acupressure is a very simple routine we can engage in when we sit alone or with others. It is as simple as pressing, rubbing or tapping some specific pressure points in the body. We can easily find these points and methods through a search on Google.

Tending to plants is a great stress reliever. Some of us may have potted plants inside the room. Some of us may be even more fortunate and have a garden to tend. Contact with mother earth and elements of nature through gardening will refresh our bodies and spirit and enliven our relationships, besides helping us fight off boredom.

The lockdown, despite the limitations and inconveniences it imposes upon us, can also turn out to be a great life-enhancer.